If You Could Change Your Life?

Great day again to all of our Window Three Readers!  It is to be hoped this message finds you well today and that no matter what you are busy doing... you are doing it at Level Three!  Today I’ve got a terrific topic for you that is built around a question we’ve all been asked at one time or another:

“If you could change one thing about your past, what would it be and why?”  

Other versions of this question include:

“What is the one choice that you most regret?”  or “What is the one thing from your past that you would do differently if you could relive that experience?” 

No matter how the question is asked the same answer is sought out: Change, or more specifically, change based on regret.  As someone who loves to ask other people what we here at Window Three refer to as ‘power questions,’ or more specifically, questions that evoke emotions, I can tell you that this question has been used in my repertoire for quite some time.  However, it wasn’t until recently that I all but stopped asking the question.  Why?  The reason has to do with the response that I kept getting: “I wouldn’t change a thing!”  Really?

First thing’s first, I have no qualms with this response.  In fact, there is a part of me that wants to answer the same question with that same response: “I wouldn’t change a thing!”  After all, every choice that I’ve made has led me to exactly where I am today... and I am extremely happy with my life.  Probably more so now than I have ever been. 

With that being said, I’ve recently given this response, ““I wouldn’t change a thing!” a lot of thought and have come to find that it’s a boat that doesn’t hold water.  It sounds like a great answer, but if you take it out on the lake for little cruise... it’s going to sink. 

Here’s what I mean:

Those of you who know the idea behind Window Three and breaking choices into Three Levels, varying in emotion, know what it feels like to take a moment in which you might have reacted at Level One or Two and turned it into a Level Three experience.  You know the emotion gained from doing just that.  (For those who do not know what I’m referring to... sorry, read the book: “Window Three, You Always Have a Choice.”)  Furthermore, you also know the power that a choice can have as it relates to your next choice.   Therefore, the Level Three choice creates emotion which in turn improves your attitude and subsequent choices. 

For example, a husband wakes up in the morning and starts preparing for work.  While doing so, he notices that the shirt he had planned on wearing for his ‘BIG’ meeting that day was still at the dry cleaners. 

Husband (Level One choice): “Emily (his wife), I thought that you were going to pick up the dry cleaning yesterday!  The shirt I was going to wear is there!  Now what am I supposed to wear to my ‘BIG’ meeting?!”

Wife: “I’m sorry dear, I just lost track of time and didn’t get there before it closed!”

Husband: “Well, I wish you would have told me so I could have done something to prepare, like pick it up myself or find a new shirt!  Why didn’t you tell me?!”

Wife: “Well I’ll tell you what... next time you can be responsible for picking up the dry cleaning and the rest of the errands, for that matter!” 

Husband: “Fine!  If that’s what it will take to get things done around here, then maybe I should!”

Wife: “Fine by me!  If that’s how ungrateful you’re going to be, then I won’t worry about doing anything from here on out!” (Storms out and heads to work)

This scene represents a classic case in which a Level One choice led to many other Level One choices, and negative emotion I might add.  In hindsight, the husband could have changed that very first Level One choice and not snapped at his wife about the dry cleaning.  In doing so, it would have changed the entire momentum of not only the conversation, but most likely his day. 

Husband (Level Three choice): “Honey, did you by any chance have time to pick up the dry cleaning?”

Wife: “No, I’m sorry dear.  I got behind on the time while running the other errands and completely lost track of time.  By the time I got to the dry cleaner it was closed.”

Husband: “What do you think would be a good shirt to wear for the meeting?”

Wife: “Hmmm, well, what kind of impression do you want to make?” 

Husband: “I’d like something that is on the fashionable side being that we are presenting a marketing campaign that is outside of our client’s typical approach.”

Wife: “Well, what about instead of wearing the typical suit and tie, you go with a suit and sweater vest?  Here, try this on...”

In this circumstance, the husband traded his Level One response for a Level Three response and completely changed the outcome of him and his wife’s conversation.  Not to mention, he’s now changed his attitude for that day and has a much better chance of presenting himself well in the meeting.  Using the Level One choice, he would have left the house angry and would have showed his poor attitude in how he drove to work, his actions while at work, and so on.  Using a Level Three choice, he would have done the opposite and acted with a better attitude and more emotion.  Who knows.  Maybe it would have made the difference as to whether or not he closed the deal. 

In other words, the choices we make may seem small but they ultimately turn out to have a big impact.  Over time, these choices change our lives. 

The other night I explained it to my little sister like this.  Imagine a glass that is half full of water.  That water represents stress.  Now, we all have varying levels of stress in our lives as well as varying glass sizes.  In either case, when the water reaches the top of our glass, it starts to spill over.  That is your stress spilling out on the external environment. 

In the first example with the husband, his stress spilled out all over the wife thereby causing her glass to start to overflow.  However, prior to allowing his glass to overflow he could have made a conscious effort to make a Level Three choice, thereby removing the water from his glass and keeping himself from splashing everyone else. 

The wife on the other hand could have also, in the first example, made a Level Three choice and not engaged the husband in an argument.  In this scenario she could have simply said, “I’m sorry but I didn’t have time.  Next time I’ll do my best at letting you know when I’m unable to get the dry cleaning.”  Does she need to apologize?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  In either case, her response is a way of covering up her glass and keeping his spilled water from getting in her cup.  A Level Three choice. 

Bringing this back to the original question that this conversation was built around, “If you could change one thing about your past, what would it be and why?”  I can truly appreciate those that want to say they wouldn’t change a thing.  However, it’s a false response.  If you were to ask those same individuals if they could add more emotion to their past, would they?  They will ALWAYS answer with a “yes” if they are being honest with themselves.

As our previous scenario clearly defines, by adding more emotion and therefore more Level Three choices, you do change your life.  Everything about it. 

My conclusion is this: When I imagine myself 60 years from now laying on my death bed, I know that the more Level Three choices I made, the more ready I will be to take that final step into the next life.  I know that my glass won’t be half empty or half full.  It will be empty of regrets.  Not being able to control your emotions is one thing... splashing the rest of the world is another. 

Have a great rest of the week everyone!   As always, these articles are written for your use. If you know of anyone who might find value in this message, we would be grateful if you copied the link above and emailed it to them.  Also, if you know of a leader who might be interested in using ‘Infused Coaching’ with his or her team, please email us at windowthree@me.com.    Thank You!

Comments

[Twila]

I love this article, Jon! Thanks for sharing it! You know, I am at a crossroad in life and undoubtedly we are always faced with the "what ifs", "coulda, shoulda, wouldas" and the "I wouldn't change a things". I find that like you, I am so happy with where i am... the only regrets I have are about the emotions involved, or NOT involved, in getting here. I could have been more Level Three many times. Hopefully now that I am conscious of it, my future decisions, attitudes, relationships, etc... will be at a higher level. Keep rocking!