Thursday, August 11, 2011 at 5:00AM When Did You Become So Important?
Welcome back to another day at Window Three! Today I want to talk about a very important topic as it relates to the emotion we instill in others: Self-Importance vs. Self-Worth. We may have covered this topic in earlier discussions, however today we are going to showcase it a bit differently and talk about 1) How it causes society to act, and 2) The power of Self-Worth. First though, let’s layout the definition for each as defined by one of my mentors, Dr. Robert Smith, Professor of Consumer Psychology at the Indiana University, Kelley School of Business. The following definitions are from Professor Smith’s book, ‘Consumer Psychology.’
Self-Importance: A person’s belief that he/she is a highly important (i.e., significant or consequential) individual in the environment.
Self-Worth: A person who puts other people’s needs ahead of his own. Self-Worth causes people to focus on their own higher needs as opposed to lower needs.
Let it be noted that there are varying definitions as it relates to Self-Importance and Self-Worth, all of which lay out the same idea. Self-Importance is a focus on YOU. Self Worth is a focus on OTHERS. Each of us possesses some level of both Self-Importance and Self-Worth, however, and as it relates to Window Three, Self-Worth should be what you strive for if you want to spend your life at Level Three. For the rest of this article, it is important that we keep the idea presented by author Carlos Castaneda in the forefront of our thought process.
In Carlos Castaneda’s series, ‘The Teaching of Don Juan,’ the character Don Juan states, “Self-Importance is man's greatest enemy. What weakens him is feeling offended by the deeds and misdeeds of his fellow men. Self-Importance requires that one spend most of one's life offended by something or someone.”
Not unlike anyone else, there are often times in my daily experiences that I run across someone who has an opinion that is presented with such conviction, it is impossible for that person to be deemed ‘wrong.’ This is a person that clings on to his or her beliefs so whole heartedly that he or she exhausts all energy trying to persuade others to think and act like them. I know this feeling quite well as in my past I showcased this Self-Importance often.
I look back on those scenarios and can’t help but ask myself, “Why?” Why did I feel such a need to be ‘right?’ To be honest, I can’t even remember what I was trying to be ‘right’ about. Why did I allow myself to become so grounded in my thoughts and feelings as it related to certain topics?
The answer is Self-Importance. And while I may not remember what exactly the concrete thoughts I had were, I guarantee that those I presented them to can remember how I made them feel when I argued my position. I’m certain I came off as arrogant and self-centered or what we now define as “Self-Important.”
Since that time I’ve learned that life is much easier when you have a more fluid outlook on life. When I realized that life is much more fascinating when I focused on the external world as opposed to my internal one, or what we now define as Self-Worth. In the book,’Window Three, You Always Have a Choice,’ this idea is emphasized when it is suggested that you spend less time trying to prove yourself, and more time trying to improve yourself, or more specifically, how you communicate with others. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong,’ there is only NOW. And when it comes to NOW, you always have a choice.
Self-Worth’s Use in Our Competitive Market
There comes a challenge with Self-Worth. The society we live in is a highly competitive one; surely there is little room for Self-Worth. After all, isn’t another word for a Self-Worthy individual, “doormat?” From a Self-Important mindset, calling a Self-Worthy person a doormat might make sense because for a Self-Important mindset, being Self-Worthy and not being locked into an attitude doesn’t make sense. After all, a willingness to argue your point of view and fight for what you believe in is noble and courageous! NOT. I think it’s anything but noble and signifies insecurity and an inability to change.
So how important is Self-Worth in our current economy and what can extreme Self-Worth do for an organization? Great question!
This brings to mind an episode of The Andy Griffith Show that I saw the other day in which Andy, Barney and Gomer take Opie and some of his friends on a weekend camping trip. Those of you who have seen The Andy Griffith Show, you know the level of Self-Worth showcased by Sheriff Taylor and upon which the show is built. Every episode has a moral, and more often than not, the good sheriff spends his time on screen teaching his audience a lesson in Self-Worth.
In this particular episode, Barney and Gomer get lost in the woods and Barney, having spent the majority of the show bragging about his ‘woodsman-ship,’ is put in an awkward predicament as he and Gomer are now in need of someone who truly does have skills as a woodsman. The true message of the episode comes out when Andy goes looking for them and finds Gomer sitting next to a makeshift “pheasant trap” that Barney has made out of sticks. Upon finding out that he and Barney truly are lost, Gomer says to Andy, “Then we are lost! I thought we was, but Barney said no. Are the boys back at camp going to have fun with this! I suspect ole Barney is really in for it! Him and his pioneering talk. Well the laugh is really going to be on him!”
Andy shows his true Self-Worth when he stops Gomer from going to get Barney and telling him they are lost. Andy says to Gomer, “You know what you just said, about the laughing being on Barney? Well the laugh WILL be on Barney, and I’m afraid it’ll be the kind of laugh that would hurt him pretty bad. I’d hate to see that, wouldn’t you?” Gomer agrees and from there they put together a plan that makes it seem as though Barney’s pheasant trap really does work and Barney’s ‘woodsman skills‘ lead him back to the camp. Upon returning, Barney goes into a speech about his skills as a woodsman and tells the boys the story of how he saved himself and Gomer in the wild.
I don’t know too many people that would have acted in the way Andy did. Most of us would have gone out, found Barney and Gomer, brought them back and gave them a ‘lesson’ in not wandering off, leaving Barney to get made fun of. Most people would have then gone on thinking about how they saved the day... maybe even later sharing the story with friends. But not Andy. His Self-Worth wouldn’t allow it. And that’s just one scenario from the show.
As mentioned, the entire series of The Andy Griffith Show is built upon Andy’s Self-Worth, Creativity and Objectivity (which by the way are all topics in Window Three’s ‘Infused Coaching’ Program). In the Andy Griffith Show, Sheriff Andy Taylor shows how, no matter who you surround yourself with, if you approach life with a Self-Worthy attitude, you’ll have success.
For all you naysayers that would like to point out that Sheriff Andy Taylor is fictional and his type of Self-Worth isn’t as common in real life, you’d be correct. However, for someone such as Andy Griffith to play his character so well, I gotta believe that in real life he did know a bit about Self-Worth. Think about this, in the show’s beginning, the character of Floyd Lawson (town barber) was filled by a gentleman named Howard McNear. In a later season McNear suffered a stroke and lost the ability to stand for any length of time, something that would end the career for most. Yet at the request of Andy Griffith himself, the show ended up keeping McNear as his barber character, designed a special chair for him so that he could still be a part of the show and wrote the scenes to allow him to be sitting most of the time. McNear’s character then appeared in every episode. How’s that for Self-Worth?
You would be correct though in highlighting the idea that Sheriff Andy Taylor is fictional, and that the world of television is written in such a way that Self-Worth can be more readily added. In television, and to find entertainment, there must be a give and take among the characters. That is, each person plays a small role in comparison to the entire plot. For example, in the sitcom Friends, no one character dominates the show. Rather, there is a give and take and that is what makes it entertaining... the different perspectives. However, in life we have a tendency to want to be the star and relate every situation to how it affects us. It’s a tendency that rests on Self-Importance.
If you were to find someone in the real world that followed the tendencies of the good sheriff, I would show you a team that is improved by that person’s presence. It follows the ideas presented in ‘Good to Great,’ by Jim Collins in which Jim talks about the biggest asset to successful organizations being it’s people. Collins furthers this idea by also describing the best organizations as lacking any one person around taking the credit. That is, the personality of the organization is built around a more Self-Worthy ‘team’ approach. No, I doubt any of these successful organizations had a character such as Sheriff Andy Taylor leading them, but imagine if they did. Their success would be that much greater!
Objections
On a more micro level, a member of our Window Three team was once telling me about a sales call they had made regarding our ‘Infused Coaching.’ This team member was talking about an objection the organization they were calling on had. “What was the objection?” I asked. The Window Three team member said, “The organization had mentioned they were really busy right now and wouldn’t have time for team development.” “How did you respond?” I asked. “Well, I explained to them...” “Stop.” I stated.
One of the most common mistakes I see being made in sales, and in life, is our constant NEED to explain our position. To tell the other person why we are ‘right’ and they are ‘wrong.’ It is for this reason that I ALWAYS suggest following up any objection with a question. “What is it that has you and your team too busy to put any emphasis on team development?” might have been a better response than to explain an opinion. Gather some understanding of the other person or the organization, and then offer some suggestions based on that understanding. Understanding the other person’s point of view is ALWAYS a more Self-Worthy approach.
Take Away
In the end, choosing a more Self-Worthy point of view is going to offer you a more flexible window on life. A Self-Worthy attitude will not only improve your success in the workplace, but more importantly in your personal life. It will add more emotion into your life and the lives of those with whom you interact.
It goes along with what Fritz Perls is implying when he says, “Those that fight don’t listen and those that listen don’t fight.” Not listening is another way of saying, “I don’t care.” I promise you, adopting a more Self-Worthy attitude is one of the most difficult changes you’ll ever attempt. It takes time. However, it will leave you in a state of understanding that your tiny apartment overlooks a small portion of our world. Leave that small apartment and you’ll be amazed at some of the magnificent views you’ll get to see.
"When the game is over, the king and the pawn go into the same box." Italian Proverb
Have a great rest of the week everyone! As always, these articles are written for your use. If you know of anyone who might find value in this message, we would be grateful if you copied the link above and emailed it to them. Also, if you know of a leader who might be interested in using ‘Infused Coaching’ with his/her team, please email us at choicesrule@windowthree.com. Thank You!
Reader Comments (6)
Your thoughts immediately after reading these articles are always appreciated. Through your feedback I can better understand what ideas you most appreciate. Thank you! Jon
Jon, I don't know how you do it---but you keep coming up with thought provoking articles. I especially loved the Self importance one.
That sounds like and interesting topic and one that I was never introduced to in ANY of my educational years! Why? When people talk about our education system lacking, it's regarding information such as this. To me, there is nothing more important that what you call, Emotional Intelligence. Or how we interact with other. By the way, I liked the reference to Carlos Castaneda. I've heard him mentioned and will check out. Thanks.
Loved this topic! Would like more posts that relate to it...PLEASE!
Oh the days of the Andy Griffith Show! Brings back memories of a time that will never be again. Do characters such as Andy still exist? My experience has taught me otherwise. While I certainly agree with your assessment about the need for self worth in the professional world, I'm not certain it is possible. All motivation can be tied back to one's own interest...no?
I have a boss that falls into the Self Important Category. How would you suggest handling this? Do you feel that sending him this article might be too much of a suggestion? Obviously I wouldn't go tell him he is self important. This just seems like a situation that so many people probably encounter, but can't be resolved. HELP! He is driving me insane and I now know why! SELF IMPORTANCE!